having one less parent || the other side
Since moving to Tasmania I've met a whole plethora of people. With that has, obviously, come with some truth telling about my past. One recurring theme to this is when I speak about the last five years. It's the period of time in my life where I was raised by my grandmother and had little (to absolutely no) contact with either of my parents. People ask why, people ask what happened and I understand it, it's human nature to be curious. It's human nature to want to know why one eighteen year old girl has one less parent these days.
He didn't die. But he may as well have because in my life he hasn't been here for four years. He isn't a terrible human being. But he is damaged and he certainly didn't respond in the way he should have. Recently I've been visiting a therapist because, honestly, every person should and when I was talking about the last five years the therapist said "you're still hurting from this."
And that floored me, because in my mind I was moving on to bigger and better things and my past didn't matter anymore. I knew that he was alive and I knew nothing else about him. I knew that some people tried to build bridges and others didn't. Simple. Suddenly I started thinking about it and with Father's Day coming in on Sunday I realised I really, really wasn't over his absence. I thought I was, I wish I was but I'm not and it hurt me much more than what I thought it did.
My friends are all celebrating father's day this Sunday. My friends are celebrating their fathers for all that they do and I've honestly been trying to ignore the day. This morning my work rang and cancelled my shift for Sunday and I realised I had nothing more to distract myself from that tiny, half-healed wound in my heart. And it hurts. So I went back to my memories and I dredged out all the dusty, smiley moments. You know those ones that make your heart feel all warm and fuzzy and I smiled because yes, I have one less parent but I had some good times.
Some people have lost parents to death and I can imagine that is a terrible pain, and an awful loss. But just know that if they were still around they would love to take silly photos with you and try to make every single day on Earth with you the most important. Know that if they were around they would love to love you, and squeeze you tight and kiss you on the forehead with all the love they could possibly give you. To the people like me with one or no parents this coming Sunday (and all other consequential celebrations) just know that everyone else loves you. One person is only a drop in the ocean. There are so many more people who will love and cherish you.
Chloe, xo.
He didn't die. But he may as well have because in my life he hasn't been here for four years. He isn't a terrible human being. But he is damaged and he certainly didn't respond in the way he should have. Recently I've been visiting a therapist because, honestly, every person should and when I was talking about the last five years the therapist said "you're still hurting from this."
And that floored me, because in my mind I was moving on to bigger and better things and my past didn't matter anymore. I knew that he was alive and I knew nothing else about him. I knew that some people tried to build bridges and others didn't. Simple. Suddenly I started thinking about it and with Father's Day coming in on Sunday I realised I really, really wasn't over his absence. I thought I was, I wish I was but I'm not and it hurt me much more than what I thought it did.
My friends are all celebrating father's day this Sunday. My friends are celebrating their fathers for all that they do and I've honestly been trying to ignore the day. This morning my work rang and cancelled my shift for Sunday and I realised I had nothing more to distract myself from that tiny, half-healed wound in my heart. And it hurts. So I went back to my memories and I dredged out all the dusty, smiley moments. You know those ones that make your heart feel all warm and fuzzy and I smiled because yes, I have one less parent but I had some good times.
Some people have lost parents to death and I can imagine that is a terrible pain, and an awful loss. But just know that if they were still around they would love to take silly photos with you and try to make every single day on Earth with you the most important. Know that if they were around they would love to love you, and squeeze you tight and kiss you on the forehead with all the love they could possibly give you. To the people like me with one or no parents this coming Sunday (and all other consequential celebrations) just know that everyone else loves you. One person is only a drop in the ocean. There are so many more people who will love and cherish you.
Chloe, xo.
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